10/31/08 Halloween

Odd holiday, but kind of fun. I'm still wondering what I should be...

Did you know that while there is a horizontal skeletal structure around your shoulders, muscle and skin make it curve slightly into the neck? It's been bugging me for the longest time, and yet I just found out about it now. Yeah, drawing sketches is complicated. I really like the collar bone though. Adds a nice touch.

Hmm, not much to say... I've got a secret person I'm supposed to help fellowship. Two actually. One of them is inactive. That's in seminary. In teachers quorum I've got a whole group of people to worry about.

...I'm kind of at a loss. I did some work in the bedroom today. That was fun. Sanded down the door so that it wouldn't stick, did a little touch up painting. It was nice. Other than that, there's not much to say. I think I'm a fire elemental who has forced himself to become earth... Completely random, but it should match the rest of this nonsense.

-sighs- I think I'll call it quits before I make a fool of myself. See ya.

10/28/08 I gotta write more...

Hmm... that could've gone better.

It turns out that I'm not meant for prolonged speech. A couple minutes, maybe, but after ten minutes or so I lose it. Lessons? Not my cup of tea. I think I'll stick to writing. Good, honest calligraphy. Speaking of which, I really need to take up writing again. I mean, things are busy and all, but I'm beginning to forget things. -shrugs-

So... Not much to say at the moment. Seminary is changing a bit. We're in groups, now. All in all, I sort of like it, although it'll take some getting used to. Sure take a lot more notes this way...

Coming up empty again... Um... The weather is... good. Halloween is coming, too. And I learned that capes made out of caution tape are a bad idea. Makes your neck all itchy and sweaty. Not pleasant. So... yeah. Maybe I'll stick with normal fabric where capes are concerned...

I think that's all. I really don't know. I'm not really excited about talking anymore though, so
I think I'll be off.

10/24/08 Why does time never wait?

Life is beginning to curve back into it's semi-normal rhythm, and yet I've still got the lesson to work on. It's mostly finished, but I've just now realized that time is slowly running out. I've got some work to do before Thanksgiving, let me tell you. Of course, that's mostly my fault, so what can I say?

Life's been interesting. The wednesday night activity went well. Rather well, actually. The foreseen doom of a demolished room and chaos was not to be. A little crazy for a while maybe, but always in control. Even the getting to know you part seemed okay with everyone. We got some pretty awesome stories, although most of those were from the leaders. I think the stick-pull tied it off well. Some active game to make people happy. After all, sitting in a chair for an hour, however funny or entertaining the activity may be, can leave a poor mark.

I'm tired. Now that I'm not running on adrenaline, it occurs to me that I haven't been sleeping much. Mostly I just think. I really should stop doing that.

Still, at least life is in order. A little. I'm going to see if I can finish up today's work quickly so I can get my thinking done before bed. For one thing, I'm having the most bizarre dreams. Like this one I had the night before the stake mutual: First off, I'm late (a frequent occurrence in my dreams), then I forgot my papers and such, and then after a good deal of random nonsense, we start playing duck, duck, goose...

That's a good identifier for lack of sleep. Bizarre dreams. -nods-

So... I'm going to go, now...

10/21/08 Pressure gauge

Recording angels, eh? I like... I wonder if they keep track of the times I talk back to the spirit when things are crazy... That wouldn't be great. Well, I predicted it, but it wasn't as bad as I had feared. Last Sunday I looked at the schedules and said I was going to snap. I did. Kinda funny, really. I get through most of my stress, give the awe-inspiring talk, and then explode when my lesson gets postponed... In hindsight, I don't see how any of it could go better. The talk was a success, I have more time to work out my lesson, this week's activity is mostly planned, and November's calendar was completely full. No need for activity ideas... Of course, it may have something to do with the continuous prayer throughout the week and the spiritual experiences during the campout. The Lord is good at this stuff, you know?

Christmas'll still be a pain, though. I'm running out of time. And while I know a little about what I'm doing, there's still plenty to think about.


I've put off listening to the Bourne Identity soundtracks too long. They help me think clearly. Now... what all needs to be done before I faint...

Dinner. Yes, I must go back to dinner... Oyasumi nasai.

10/16/08 Stretched resources

Trying to be a difficult teenager? Perhaps. I've seen what happens when you're TOO responsible. You get heart attacks. No thank you. I'd much rather keep to my falsified aggression.

... It's been a while... Then again, I've been busy. This week...

I've got to:
Prepare a sacrament meeting talk
Prepare the priesthood lesson
Have November's calender ready for BYC
Plan the stake mutual activity
Get packed for an overnighter
Help clean the church
Get ready for the ES (done)
Get over the annoyance that whenever I plan an activity and have it somewhat detailed, it gets rejected the Sunday before hand... (done)

Chores, Schoolwork, Eternal progression, not to mention all of my bigger projects... Life stinks. Like old Marshmallows. At first they seem nice, but then you realize they're only good for firestarter. -_-

This being the irksome and stressful case, I'm going to go now.

PS: List above being a prime example of why I might not wish to be seen as overly responsible.

10/09/08 Lame virtues...

I'd much rather be doing something than being 'patient'. -shakes head- Oh well. Anywho. I'm not as tired as I was yesterday, but I really need to get to work... -nods- I've got too much to worry about to think about patience... It's great and all, but it's a little annoying.

So... I feel like talking about eggshells. Now, I hear raw eggs really aren't as bad if you wash them first. Something about the shell... I dunno. I like to crack them, though. Very interesting. Plus, unknown to them, they have become a clearly distinctive color. -nods- A good color, too. Bright.

Check that, maybe I am tired. I've got to work on my christmas gifts, too. I don't think they'll be very good... I need better hobbies. The only thing I could think of for a while was writing, but that's clearly not going to happen. I have a few ideas and a theme for one of them. The other I'll have to look around for. (At least that one is the bought gift.) Maybe a good book... Or a couple books... They'd have to be related somehow... -shrugs- I'll work on that later...

In the meantime, I have to go study Japanese. Bye.

10/08/08 Assistant Chalkboard Manager

-shrugs- It seems like that's what I am. -shrugs- Academic Vice doesn't seem to do much. Yet.
At least I got to play with the chalkboard today, though. Scorekeeper for tick-tac-know. Took me a while to figure out that it wasn't no. It was know. That makes all the difference.

Anywho, I'm not questioning the whole devoted to the gospel thing, I just want to find a way to make it subconscious. You know, like how you burst out laughing when you hear something funny. ...Bad example. I understand it isn't supposed to be easy, but there are some habits you can form by repeated action. Why not something like this? I know, I know. Just keeping doing it and it will. Maybe, but it seems like an awfully long process. I wanna find the switch in my head that works with stuff like that. There are triggers for thought and emotion. Why not habit?

-yawns- Mr. Stull. (Even that sounds weird....) Is coming next Tuesday. I've got to... Um. Plan for that. I also really need to check out the corn maze and the stake mutual. And get a three month calendar back... And think about Christmas and half a dozen other odd things. -pounds head into wall- I'll be thankful when I join Priests Quorum... I might not have a position of responsibility, then... Then I'll just have everything else in life... Goody. I have to make phone calls about YM/YW tonight. I think it's canceled. My quorum should probably get a memo about that... So they don't... um... show up.

Yeah... I don't feel happy. I mean, I feel a little happy, but I've got some work to do...

10/06/08 A brief moment

It's becoming known to me that the Lord often works in short spaces of time. Even Conference, which took up an entire weekend, seems somewhat dwarfed now. Perhaps it is merely that it seems short, compared with the vast messages presented, but in daily life, as well. He's always in the little things. The faint, unnoticed sounds of the morning. The subtle touch of the spirit in the midst of a humble testimony. They're so brief, and their touch so light, yet it lasts longer than any other emotion.

What kind of feeling is this, that you can barely notice it's strength, despite the fact that you can often easily find its source, along with the vast impacts? I wish I could feel it more. I wish that I could make it flare constantly. I mean, I've always felt the spirit, yielding in only some occasions which I do not gladly recall, but there's something special about these times. More than the quiet knowledge. More than the need and want for righteousness. A throbbing, immense joy which cannot be denied.

Looking back, I've always wanted it, but still I can only feel it with great devotion and diligence. How can I make this feeling natural, as I know it must be with those greater than me? I want to feel more than the quiet knowledge, as I have before. I feel that knowledge daily, without much present thought. It is burned into my mind. I want to feel the joy, the eagerness for service, the seeking of truth and peace. While the knowledge of truth is natural to me, I want the actions of truth to be even more so.

For years, I've grown in practicing the mastery of emotion, and some even of thought, yet I can only sometimes feel the sweet, undeniable sense of control I feel when I understand and master desires. I felt it in conference. I feel it sometimes in seminary. I feel it in church. I want to be complete in this. I want it to be a natural thing. I want to be able to choose without restraint the things which I desire. Not only emotion or outward opinion. I understand them. I want to control my inward desires. This love of conflict. This desire to outmatch. I want to beat them. I want to know and have control over the very fibers of my being. Learning to control one's body is one thing. Learning to control one's emotions is another. What I want is to learn how to control one's wants. Not to rise above them or act separately from them, but to /change/ them. To feel only what I want to feel and to seek only what I want to seek, to become a better follower of Christ. I fear that this will be one goal that I may never reach quickly.

Aside from this, life is quiet. Not that there aren't many things I am sadly avoiding which I shouldn't. There are things which must be doing and I will eventually have to do them. However, there is little happening which warrants much mention. I am pursuing (pursuing being a very affective term) an education, and I am attempting to do the things which I must while also setting time aside for the things I wish to do, as well. I feel stretched, something which one of the general authorities talked about during Conference. He mentioned prayer and seeking the Lord's help, but I cannot help but feel like He is already helping. It seems somewhat ungrateful to ask for more, when there are many others who need Him more. I suppose I don't understand Him well enough. In any case, I should go. Perhaps I will ask.

Sayonara.

10/02/08 Oompa Loompa: The Sport of Kings

It... was... Awesome.

Seriously good exercise, though. We were SWEATY. And yet, it wasn't all that tiring. I mean, it burns after a while, but there's no fatigue. Hecka fun.

Anyway, today is Thursday. In seminary we learned about Parables, but also about the latter day (that's us) gathering of the ten tribes. Yup. Tomorrow there'll be a mention about General Conference. Woot! It'll be fun. Also, I'm pretty sure we'll be hometeaching after the Sunday afternoon session. I can only fathom what awe-inspiring message we will be able to relay from these precious words... We'll sound wise.

I gotta make a cloak. The thing is. I don't know how. And frankly, I don't have time for it anyway. -sighs- I'll just read my books and continue on with life.

I've got the Hiragana symbols down now. I just need to finish the Katakana and my new Japanese book will actually make sense. ^^ I'm gunna be bilingual. Hopefully.

To be brief, I shall not go into depth concerning the battle that took place a short while ago. I shall merely be content to say that the shards of glass fell slowly in that time, and the world itself seemed to move with a lethargic rate. I'll never forget that noise. Shattering, cracking, and a pealing shriek of protest as the crippling blow found its mark. It was terrifying. ...And yet, I've never felt so alive... XD

-restful sigh- That shall be all for today. I must tend to my studies.

10/01/08 Happy New Month!

I dunno. Just felt like mentioning it. In reply to the comments, however, I can only say that sarcasm's delightful affects seem somewhat diminished over hundreds of miles of webspace. Text, as it were, may not be the best outlet for making jokes.

Mom hasn't been all that bad, considering the blatant reasons she might have for being worried. Exaggeration is a wonderful thing, no? Anyway, I do find it someone interesting how she mentioned we're bad on gas millage... Seeing as I've never driven her car before, there's no telling what I might do to it. Who knows, I could be one of those crazy smooth drivers. Probably not, but is there no chance?

Oi... I'm never getting into politics. People taking what you say seriously stinks. I mean, at some -rather obvious- points, I would understand their thinking, but in most everyday things, I, and many other people, can be taken with reasonable disregard for the accuracy of our statements.

This isn't seeming to get the point across very well... Okay, I'll admit, I'm generally accepted as a serious person in some fields, but when it has to do with crazy people not being allowed to drive, odds are you can sort of cast aside the neighboring rantings.

There... Now you know. And I'm gunna leave before anyone has a chance to yell at m-

-goes poof-