It's becoming known to me that the Lord often works in short spaces of time. Even Conference, which took up an entire weekend, seems somewhat dwarfed now. Perhaps it is merely that it seems short, compared with the vast messages presented, but in daily life, as well. He's always in the little things. The faint, unnoticed sounds of the morning. The subtle touch of the spirit in the midst of a humble testimony. They're so brief, and their touch so light, yet it lasts longer than any other emotion.
What kind of feeling is this, that you can barely notice it's strength, despite the fact that you can often easily find its source, along with the vast impacts? I wish I could feel it more. I wish that I could make it flare constantly. I mean, I've always felt the spirit, yielding in only some occasions which I do not gladly recall, but there's something special about these times. More than the quiet knowledge. More than the need and want for righteousness. A throbbing, immense joy which cannot be denied.
Looking back, I've always wanted it, but still I can only feel it with great devotion and diligence. How can I make this feeling natural, as I know it must be with those greater than me? I want to feel more than the quiet knowledge, as I have before. I feel that knowledge daily, without much present thought. It is burned into my mind. I want to feel the joy, the eagerness for service, the seeking of truth and peace. While the knowledge of truth is natural to me, I want the actions of truth to be even more so.
For years, I've grown in practicing the mastery of emotion, and some even of thought, yet I can only sometimes feel the sweet, undeniable sense of control I feel when I understand and master desires. I felt it in conference. I feel it sometimes in seminary. I feel it in church. I want to be complete in this. I want it to be a natural thing. I want to be able to choose without restraint the things which I desire. Not only emotion or outward opinion. I understand them. I want to control my inward desires. This love of conflict. This desire to outmatch. I want to beat them. I want to know and have control over the very fibers of my being. Learning to control one's body is one thing. Learning to control one's emotions is another. What I want is to learn how to control one's wants. Not to rise above them or act separately from them, but to /change/ them. To feel only what I want to feel and to seek only what I want to seek, to become a better follower of Christ. I fear that this will be one goal that I may never reach quickly.
Aside from this, life is quiet. Not that there aren't many things I am sadly avoiding which I shouldn't. There are things which must be doing and I will eventually have to do them. However, there is little happening which warrants much mention. I am pursuing (pursuing being a very affective term) an education, and I am attempting to do the things which I must while also setting time aside for the things I wish to do, as well. I feel stretched, something which one of the general authorities talked about during Conference. He mentioned prayer and seeking the Lord's help, but I cannot help but feel like He is already helping. It seems somewhat ungrateful to ask for more, when there are many others who need Him more. I suppose I don't understand Him well enough. In any case, I should go. Perhaps I will ask.
Sayonara.
"His Father's Will"
8 months ago
1 comment:
First of all, I apologize in advance for my LONG comment. The only reason why I didn't shorten it is because I feel like it may be of use to you or someone else. Perhaps even myself as I come back to reread it as a reminder from time to time. ;)
Secondly, wonderful post! It was wonderful to hear your testimony and your strong desire to be more humble, selfless, and obedient. It was humbling to read and to recognize the similar longings and desires that I feel within myself. What I say, I say to both of us (and anyone else who has the same desires) and I ask you to realize, I am not speaking as one who has mastered this, but as one who is striving to.
Well, you've got step one down: desire. You have a desire to be more Christlike; to be more obedient and selfless, to overcome your weaknesses, and to be more receptive to the promptings of the spirit.
And, you kind of already answered your own question. "I've always wanted it, but still I can only feel it with great devotion and diligence." That is your answer: great devotion and diligence. As you make your devotion and diligence more natural, the "actions of truth" will become more natural, too.
My advice is to live the gospel the best that you can - all day, every day. I know that you are already doing this, but if this is your sincere desire, live it more. Don't just read the scriptures everyday, study and ponder them daily; don't just pray everyday, get on your knees morning and night (and often inbetween) and sincerely pray as Elder Bednar counseled us this weekend: counsel with the Lord in all things, offer heartfelt gratitude, and sincerely pray for others; don't just serve when asked or the opportunity arises, look for opportunities to serve and just do it, whether anyone asks or not, notices or not, thanks you or not; don't just be grateful for your blessings, be grateful for your trials realizing they are for your good and help you to be humble and grow closer to the Savior; act on every prompting you feel from the Holy Ghost (and if you're not sure if it's a prompting or not - if it's a good thing, act on it still... chances are it IS from him and if it's a good thing, it couldn't hurt to do it anyway) and you will notice the promptings more. As you do all these things, you will feel His spirit in your life more fully and more continuously and you'll be able to act on that spirit more.
It is always a work in progress, you will never reach a level of spirituality that is quite "good enough" because it is impossible for us to achieve perfection in this life. (And if you ever think you have become as good as you think you should be, you may want to re-evaluate... checking first in the humility department. lol) But don't let that discourage you, strive to be the absolute best you can be. When you have sincere, righteous desires, the Lord will bless you with the opportunity to achieve them. It will take a lot of faith and obedience on your part, but it will be worth it.
The Lord is capable and wants to bless you as much as you need and can STILL bless every other person with what they need. Don't worry that the needs of others are too great - He's got that under control, He doesn't have to choose which prayer to listen to or answer - He hears and answers them all. Often, He will withhold some of his blessings for us until we do ask. Don't feel like you're asking for too much, just ALWAYS remember to ask humbly, accepting His will even if it differs from yours. Besides, if you're praying in this case to have the natural desire to do His will, don't you think He may bless you with that so you can help bless the lives of those that do have a greater or more urgent need?
The Lord loves all of His children but I think He especially appreciates those who have such a good and righteous heart as you. The Lord needs people who will be on His errand, do His will to bless and enrich the lives of those around them, to help further His work, and to be His hands.
I do have to warn you though, if you really want this, He will give you the opportunity to become so. My prayers were for this very thing just weeks before I was called to be the RS president. lol I guess I kind of asked for it... and I'm glad I didn't know that I was at the time because had I realized it, I don't know if I would have had the courage to ask! But now I am grateful. I am seeing the blessings that come when we give more to the Lord. I am feeling His spirit more abundantly in my life. I am begining to feel it naturally and continually - as I pray and seek to do the things that I know will help keep it with me. I still desire to have it more, to do His will more, to be His hands more. (You'd think I'd have learned my lesson, wouldn't you? lol)
The talks this weekend were wonderful, but I felt the spirit speak to me the strongest during a talk last weekend in the General Relief Society broadcast. It was a talk by President Uchtdorf given to the sisters, but it's message applies to all. Here is the link to the transcript. The talk is actually about finding happiness and joy, but the ways to do it are what really inspired me. As I watched his talk then and have reread it a couple of times since, the spirit has prompted me with what I can do right now, what changes I can make in my life, in order to be more like Him. Perhaps as you read it, the spirit will speak to you, too, and teach you what you can do to have the "actions of truth" become more natural to you. :)
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